Her

It's exactly one year since the last post. (technically one year and three days, but who's counting?) Finally found some time to sit down and give that past year a recap. Well here goes.. (This post may have lots of gory details)

The past year was not much less of a roller coaster ride. Exactly one week prior to that last post, I saw the most exciting and the scariest line I've ever seen on a stick. (It was actually two lines) I was freaking pregnant!! Everyone who knew was excited for the upcoming bundle of joy and mischief. It was actually double the excitement for our family as my sister was also four months pregnant when I found out.

The excitement wore off and morning sickness took its place. I was such a loser at that, that I wasn't able to keep any food down for at least three months. This led me to lose 9kg by the fourth month in the pregnancy. Skinny me with a baby inside was poked around so many times to give IV fluids to keep my body functioning. Everyone who has given birth was constantly giving their two cents about what and what not to do during this period. None of it worked. My rate of throwing up was gradually coming down by the fourth month, but it got stagnated at one or two times a day by the fifth month. So through out the rest of my pregnancy I was throwing up at least once a day.

However, during that dark period in my pregnancy I was able to do one thing that I was basically itching to do ever since day one. I finally gave up on my work life. This decision was received with so many negative remarks from almost everyone. My parents were mad for days and my in-laws still believe that their son has enforced this decision upon me. In truth, it was me all along. He just supported my decision after me constantly nagging at him.

It was mainly due to my laziness to drag myself to work every day. Knowing myself, I knew I would not be able to function if I was raising a kid and simultaneously working at that cut throat environment where you have to deliver constantly. So for better or for worse I said, I quit. It felt good saying it. Who am I kidding, it still feels wonderful saying it.

While dealing with all that criticism for my decision, October came and my delivery date came. And no sign of a baby coming out was given. Next day we got admitted as I was basically tired of waiting. Got induced, hoping that she will start things on her own with a slight push, but no, she had our genes and she didn't give a f***. So the next day I got a cesarean surgery to get the baby out.

In that operation theater even with my husband beside me I was practically pissing my pants. The time the doc said hug the pillow and bend for the epidural shot I was literally chanting ithipiso bagawa. Sometime after the shot and cutting my belly open I heard the most wonderful noise I've ever heard. I heard my baby girl crying as she was taken out of her comfort zone. That moment was so emotional and it had me gasping for air with tears in my eyes. I believe it was then, at that moment that it dawned on me that I was now a mother to a child. A tiny human has come to the world who's gonna rely on me for almost everything in her life, that I will be the rock to another human being.

Four months down with her, it's still unbelievable that she's our daughter. The world is one fascinating place for her that she's constantly staring at everything she sees and smiling at me the moment our eyes meet.

Marriage and what not

2019 has dawned and already one and a half months have gone by. It's been ages since I was able to pen my thoughts and on my fourth Valentine's Day with him, I thought why not. 

Time has literally flown by. I am actually nearing my thirties and uni seems like it happened in another lifetime. 

The previous year, the subject of most of my posts, my partner in crime and my inspiration in many a things became my life partner legally. Well congratulations for him for making that wise decision. 

I am a complete marriage novice, but I still have some experience on this life. 

It is not at all what you thought it would be. This is the very first lesson I learnt.

With that one signature you place you are now legally responsible for another person. This can be very tricky since all through out your existence every little decision you make was literally made with the aid of your parents. And suddenly, you are on your own (but technically with him). 

You are also awarded with a whole new bunch of gossiping relatives who wants to know when you are going to have your first baby at the very first time you meet them. Just imagine some middle aged women draped in rich sarees and wearing all the gold they have, coming up to you at your own wedding function to say 'Congratulations putha, now when are you going to give us cute babies?'  Yes. Dumbfounded and open mouthed. That was how I looked most of the time during our wedding reception.

Living with the in laws can be a challenge too. Imagine, you are one pampered, precious daughter of one house hold who is cherished dearly and suddenly, you are the daughter-in-law of another completely new household. Every household has different traditions or ways of life and it takes time in getting used to them. Unlike when you are at home, you are always under the watchful eyes of someone of their house. You always have to double think every move you make. But of course they do not mean ill and they are not rude, they are also just being wary of the new member in the house. And actually with time you start getting cozy with your in-laws too. Life is not always bitter grapes, you see. 

Marriage is basically a whole lot of changes to your normal, routine, peaceful life. You get to see how your partner actually lives, the real side of him, and mind you that is quite far from the side you meet on a date before marriage. Yet, you gradually open up to him on things you never thought you would and so does he. 

Even with all of that what matters the most is that your bond grows stronger and your heart feels warmer at the end of the day and you still keep on loving him since he's still that prince you desired. 

And Five months since our signature placements, with many ups and downs, we are still continuing this journey with hopes for a future together in every blessing and every sorrow.  

Uni

We were in our early twenties. Merely one year and a half after sitting for the A/L examinations our batch commenced. We came with hopes and expectations of our parents and of course our very existent relations. 

In our parent's eyes we were both the pride and the boasting factor. In our lecturers' eyes we were the best of the best lot selected from the A/L examination in order to achieve greatness. But we actually were just confused at the sudden change of events and still were trying to find a chance to have fun and enjoy. 

We were adults by age but children at heart. We still needed a mother's nagging to wake up in the morning or a father's stern look to go hide in the room to pretend to study.

However, fortunately or unfortunately for us, our parents were quite pleased with us that their intervention in our affairs unexpectedly reduced. The restrictions we had during school days were lifted. We were presumed to be grown up.

With this new found freedom we were overwhelmed. Some of us were sent to boarding houses from their homes. A phase they never thought that they could achieve.

Our group was a mix of everyone. The extremely bright lot who never missed a lecture, the naturally brainy ones who misses all lectures but manages to give kuppi to the lecture-goers, and lastly the never go to a lecture but goes to kuppis to find the minimum required marks to pass lot. And of course, I belonged to the latter lot. 

Exams were like the monster comes calling times for us. However, that happened only twice a year. So we were not stressed about that till the monster himself comes and knocks on our doors. We never considered mid semester exams as exams as that was such a waste of valuable time.

During exams it is always the aid of the great photocopy machine. If not for that, us lot wouldn't have graduated at all. 

Lectures or not we always went to uni. My attendance was close to 99% in uni after leaving the sick days of which I was forced to stay at home. Even in sickness we were always found in uni but never in a lecture. 

We had huts designed for us in order to study while enjoying  the cool breeze that envelops the uni. 

These huts were actually used for just hanging around by groups and of course by the immense number of couples in uni for their lovey-dovey talks. It should be noted that during exam days not a single hut can be found due to everyone cramming on their lecture notes.

The first job we do when entering uni is finding a suitable hut for the day because unless you would be just roaming around with no proper place to eat and hang around. The food is either brought from home or bought from outside. And all of us share each bath packet. It is like world war three on the bath packet for the chicken piece and the egg. 

My bokka friend used to bring a huge packet when he was coming from home. He was residing in a boarding house and every weekend he went home. Thus, on Mondays he comes to uni at around 10 - 11 o'clock with a huge bath packet. This weighed almost 1 - 2 kg. When this packet arrives its always lunch time for us. We would call everyone around to join because his mother's cooking is beyond any maestro's cooking for us. Its mouth watering for me just by thinking about it. 

Uni days were everything one could hope for. I was determined to write about every mischievous thing we did, every funny story we shared and all the hilarious incidents that occurred but that would probably come as another post as there are quite a lot to write about.

A day not too long ago, when we met at uni, my bokka friend said machang apita sadudatath aith campus enna thibuna nam (what if we are able to come to campus on Monday again). The words were met by heavy sighs and longing from all of us.

We were young and still growing up. We were carefree and loved every day. We found freedom, we found life long friendships, we found life partners, and we found some parts of ourselves we never knew existed. Uni life gradually molded our values, lifestyles and perceptions in order to become better humans for ourselves and others.

The three years I spent in uni are by far the most memorable years of my life. These memories are what drives me even to this day. They are the strength that keeps us from falling apart when we are faced with responsibilities and when trouble comes calling. 

Everyone's King

The bawling child

the brooding youth

the withering man

the slaves of the king

Controlled and conquered

with power unbounded

ensnaring mankind

leaving them disturbed

The need is real

The dreams are real

The king shifts focus

All turn unreal

The few at mercy

the king pardoned

Tramples and treads 

the unfavourable lot

The rule is unfair

But the charges are fair

Those unfavoured

Forever in dispair

The king is biased

Should be removed

But how can we succeed

If we are devided

A Wish

A wish upon a star

Too close to be far

Refused as bizarre

Leaving a goodly scar

Her benign desire

not what he require

robbed of her by kin

Cast away by him

One may need it 

other may not

one may believe in it

other may not

The greatest love of all

conquers them all

with a need to forgo

the endless brawls

He claims he concedes

to all her insane deals 

to which she remains

wordless and lost

but what can one say

when 

a girl starts to dream

the stars will be too close

for her to reach

Guilt

A destination desired
for both in the run
one trying to unsee,
the other one's role

Unknowingly or not
destination was reached
right on the dot
for the other, just heaved


The guilt runs deep
cowering under her shield
she loses her sleep
trying to live her dream

I'm sorry but not
this confusing bond
dejected yet elated
in her pinnacle of life

Change

Time is needed
And so is effort
Cannot be undone
for a long time

Forcefully, you may attain
but never for too long
The change of a being,
needs the owner's consent!

Career path and what not

My sister, the idiot as I like to call her is just at that point in her life where she has to chose her career path. And she's at a loss. (And I'm kinda glad that we do have something in common.)

I was at a loss myself sometime back and tried to reject every option that came my way solely for the fear of failing and the fear of being responsible for that failure. But after a few words with my parents and several levels of getting hurt, I decided on a praivate uni and peacefully (maybe not) attended it for a while. Then came local uni into the picture and the problem at hand was solved and the private uni was discarded like it never ever mattered.

So, I have something to stick to for the time being and not wander around. But, after a year or two I will also be at the same spot my sister is currently at, looking for the perfect career path.

Usually the path is the same for most of the kids till their O/Ls. Then it curves and splits into different paths. In my case it was the same till the completion of A/Ls. The stream chosen to sit for the exam did not require much thoughts as the parents and society approved path with many friends was easy to chose. But after the A/Ls comes the real deal. You are out of school and you are a society accepted adult. Thus, your parents suddenly leave you with making the decisions and you feel all the fears in the world. And you try to pass time and not make that dreadful decision because you are not familiar by the whole act of it.

It was the case for most of my friends as well.


The moment that you are made responsible for youself, you try to flee because of the burden and the fear of failure. This in my opinion is mainly because of the fact that most of our decisions, even the smallest of them were made for us without our knowledge. We were accustomed to the habit of asking for permission and getting the nod of approval in the actions we were to make. Thus, the moment the roles switch we feel like we are at a dead end even with so many paths in front of us.

Stupid

Playing without knowing
how stupid of me
acting without a script
how stupid of me

Head up in the sky
how stupid of me 
soul within walls
how stupid of me
Masking in invincibility
only to my eyes


Naked and laughable
in front of his eyes
not wanting to bow down
the heavy head of mine

For my brother from anther mother

I'm not that much of a writer but I do have my own stack of papers with poems and stories that I've written out of boredom, hidden somewhere in my room. The last time I held a pen must have been about three years ago and since then, I've not come across the urge to put my thoughts into paper. But since this very close friend of mine (kira) insisted that I should start on it again..
Here goes nothing..



Unlocking

The door once closed
Never to be opened
gets unlocked and opened
at her confidant's words

The rush feels new
She feels odd
but she continues on
for the sake of him

The feel of the pen
on a paper
The sound of the pen
on a paper
brings back pride
she once lost!

20th Birthday!

On the eve of my 20^th birthday, I take this very very deep breath, become very serious with that very serious frown I put on when confronted with difficult situations; and think, what the hell have I done for 20 years of my life? (Of course I didn’t do that. I was talking hypothetically.) I was at a blank. Not very unusual for me, though. Then I think back, waaay back...

How beautiful childhood was! Playing with sis and quarrelling at the smallest of things, which we still very proudly do. Doing everything you wanted and not worrying over it. Phew! Wish I enjoyed those days more. Wish time never travelled.

Anyways, since my parents were cousins before marriage I’m only blessed with two cousins close to my age and I happen to be the eldest in the lot. So, the occasional visit from them always called for celebration. After all, you get tired of playing with the same person after a while ne. There were some other playmates as well, the kids of some family friends and some very very distant cousins. When we get-together it was fun and always playtime. So, basically my childhood was spent playing and doing nothing else than that.

As a young adult I wasn’t that very impressive. Always in the mid 20s in the class of about 40 students. Always a reason, why a teacher would come screaming into the class. Forever carefree!

When everyone else was studying vigorously for the O/Ls I was busy watching movies on the internet and reading books at the dead of night while pretending to be studying (which I’m doing right now as well). The result however was not so great but okay-ish.

Those days I started doing stuff. Meaning, I started swimming, tennis, some IT courses, music and so on. But whatever thing that I started, I stopped them mid-way, gave up and went back to square. I’m not so proud of those actions, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. If I’ve lost interest in something I just can’t tolerate it anymore. Hah! It was bloody easy to just type it than say that in front of a group of people who will be moaning over my irresponsibility.

But that attitude of mine was overpowered by A/Ls coz I just have to do this no matter what I felt about it. Right now, I’m in the midst of writing for my second shy coz I flunked it the first time. I also have a paper on Monday which I’m not so sure I’ll pass. If I’m on the way for a third shy I’ll definitely update my blog.

In conclusion, looking back at life of 20 years was colorful in its own way. The little incidents which bring a smile to the lips are the most treasured memories of years gone by. I’ve had my share of joy and sorrow. Looking back, it seems everything was nice and neat but I wish I can say the same about the future. On the eve of my 20^th birthday, I wish to have a decent future, which someday I can look back and smile.

Isolation

Hair gets thrown around

Eyes focus

The rush starts to creep in

The mind gets cleared

Everything eases

World slows down

She moves faster

Elated and overwhelmed

Ground backs down to the past

She moves to the future

Joy wins her back

While sorrow loses

Yet,

Hot and sticky

Long lines

Streaks down

Leaving the mark

On her red shot cheeks

She realizes,

The desperation

The urge

For

Another somebody

She realizes,

The distances worthless

The pleasure short lived

And

The isolation.