Swapping lives.

Away from all known chaos to new ones. 

Motive unsure. Maybe the trend, maybe the lifestyle or maybe the desire to liberate from them: the shackles on her feet that had her restrained.  

 

No. It ain't for the faint hearted. But the taste of freedom on her lips makes her soar with confidence and newfound optimism. 

However, short-lived. 

 

Together yet alone. The chosen one drifting further with the added load. 

Time: too valuable to lose; yet, lost to gain the masked devil's trust.

 

The carefree days are no more. 

The gleaming eyes, the laughter, the mischief swapped with the sighs, the groans, and the aches. 

Wars of words bruising their souls. 

 

Oh! the decision they made, she repents.

Argument

Darkness and then you only see red. Your mind explodes and all the scenarios that build up in your head are visualizing an end of another. Would this make me a murderer? The inner voice chants amidst chaos.

Knifelike words are thrown at each other, stone like fists come flying towards your face from a being who literally screamed in joyful agony at your birth. 

Hot salted water pours out of your vision blurring your sanity. In this cruel world you are on your own. The message is delivered. All the happy memories get erased and you are a being of hatred. You have consumed that poison which has no antidote. 

Shock, disappointment, rage and sadness are evident in their faces. You on the other hand is consumed by rage and displays only rage and long festered hatred, the kind that has a murderous glare. 

Looking around you cannot find your precious comforter but you see your future hanging in your arms screaming. You are taken aback. Oh what a future it’s gonna be. Hopefully not the same hateful one you had! 

Marriage and what not

2019 has dawned and already one and a half months have gone by. It's been ages since I was able to pen my thoughts and on my fourth Valentine's Day with him, I thought why not. 

Time has literally flown by. I am actually nearing my thirties and uni seems like it happened in another lifetime. 

The previous year, the subject of most of my posts, my partner in crime and my inspiration in many a things became my life partner legally. Well congratulations for him for making that wise decision. 

I am a complete marriage novice, but I still have some experience on this life. 

It is not at all what you thought it would be. This is the very first lesson I learnt.

With that one signature you place you are now legally responsible for another person. This can be very tricky since all through out your existence every little decision you make was literally made with the aid of your parents. And suddenly, you are on your own (but technically with him). 

You are also awarded with a whole new bunch of gossiping relatives who wants to know when you are going to have your first baby at the very first time you meet them. Just imagine some middle aged women draped in rich sarees and wearing all the gold they have, coming up to you at your own wedding function to say 'Congratulations putha, now when are you going to give us cute babies?'  Yes. Dumbfounded and open mouthed. That was how I looked most of the time during our wedding reception.

Living with the in laws can be a challenge too. Imagine, you are one pampered, precious daughter of one house hold who is cherished dearly and suddenly, you are the daughter-in-law of another completely new household. Every household has different traditions or ways of life and it takes time in getting used to them. Unlike when you are at home, you are always under the watchful eyes of someone of their house. You always have to double think every move you make. But of course they do not mean ill and they are not rude, they are also just being wary of the new member in the house. And actually with time you start getting cozy with your in-laws too. Life is not always bitter grapes, you see. 

Marriage is basically a whole lot of changes to your normal, routine, peaceful life. You get to see how your partner actually lives, the real side of him, and mind you that is quite far from the side you meet on a date before marriage. Yet, you gradually open up to him on things you never thought you would and so does he. 

Even with all of that what matters the most is that your bond grows stronger and your heart feels warmer at the end of the day and you still keep on loving him since he's still that prince you desired. 

And Five months since our signature placements, with many ups and downs, we are still continuing this journey with hopes for a future together in every blessing and every sorrow.  

Uni

We were in our early twenties. Merely one year and a half after sitting for the A/L examinations our batch commenced. We came with hopes and expectations of our parents and of course our very existent relations. 

In our parent's eyes we were both the pride and the boasting factor. In our lecturers' eyes we were the best of the best lot selected from the A/L examination in order to achieve greatness. But we actually were just confused at the sudden change of events and still were trying to find a chance to have fun and enjoy. 

We were adults by age but children at heart. We still needed a mother's nagging to wake up in the morning or a father's stern look to go hide in the room to pretend to study.

However, fortunately or unfortunately for us, our parents were quite pleased with us that their intervention in our affairs unexpectedly reduced. The restrictions we had during school days were lifted. We were presumed to be grown up.

With this new found freedom we were overwhelmed. Some of us were sent to boarding houses from their homes. A phase they never thought that they could achieve.

Our group was a mix of everyone. The extremely bright lot who never missed a lecture, the naturally brainy ones who misses all lectures but manages to give kuppi to the lecture-goers, and lastly the never go to a lecture but goes to kuppis to find the minimum required marks to pass lot. And of course, I belonged to the latter lot. 

Exams were like the monster comes calling times for us. However, that happened only twice a year. So we were not stressed about that till the monster himself comes and knocks on our doors. We never considered mid semester exams as exams as that was such a waste of valuable time.

During exams it is always the aid of the great photocopy machine. If not for that, us lot wouldn't have graduated at all. 

Lectures or not we always went to uni. My attendance was close to 99% in uni after leaving the sick days of which I was forced to stay at home. Even in sickness we were always found in uni but never in a lecture. 

We had huts designed for us in order to study while enjoying  the cool breeze that envelops the uni. 

These huts were actually used for just hanging around by groups and of course by the immense number of couples in uni for their lovey-dovey talks. It should be noted that during exam days not a single hut can be found due to everyone cramming on their lecture notes.

The first job we do when entering uni is finding a suitable hut for the day because unless you would be just roaming around with no proper place to eat and hang around. The food is either brought from home or bought from outside. And all of us share each bath packet. It is like world war three on the bath packet for the chicken piece and the egg. 

My bokka friend used to bring a huge packet when he was coming from home. He was residing in a boarding house and every weekend he went home. Thus, on Mondays he comes to uni at around 10 - 11 o'clock with a huge bath packet. This weighed almost 1 - 2 kg. When this packet arrives its always lunch time for us. We would call everyone around to join because his mother's cooking is beyond any maestro's cooking for us. Its mouth watering for me just by thinking about it. 

Uni days were everything one could hope for. I was determined to write about every mischievous thing we did, every funny story we shared and all the hilarious incidents that occurred but that would probably come as another post as there are quite a lot to write about.

A day not too long ago, when we met at uni, my bokka friend said machang apita sadudatath aith campus enna thibuna nam (what if we are able to come to campus on Monday again). The words were met by heavy sighs and longing from all of us.

We were young and still growing up. We were carefree and loved every day. We found freedom, we found life long friendships, we found life partners, and we found some parts of ourselves we never knew existed. Uni life gradually molded our values, lifestyles and perceptions in order to become better humans for ourselves and others.

The three years I spent in uni are by far the most memorable years of my life. These memories are what drives me even to this day. They are the strength that keeps us from falling apart when we are faced with responsibilities and when trouble comes calling. 

Everyone's King

The bawling child

the brooding youth

the withering man

the slaves of the king

Controlled and conquered

with power unbounded

ensnaring mankind

leaving them disturbed

The need is real

The dreams are real

The king shifts focus

All turn unreal

The few at mercy

the king pardoned

Tramples and treads 

the unfavourable lot

The rule is unfair

But the charges are fair

Those unfavoured

Forever in dispair

The king is biased

Should be removed

But how can we succeed

If we are devided

A Wish

A wish upon a star

Too close to be far

Refused as bizarre

Leaving a goodly scar

Her benign desire

not what he require

robbed of her by kin

Cast away by him

One may need it 

other may not

one may believe in it

other may not

The greatest love of all

conquers them all

with a need to forgo

the endless brawls

He claims he concedes

to all her insane deals 

to which she remains

wordless and lost

but what can one say

when 

a girl starts to dream

the stars will be too close

for her to reach

Hurt

He spoke of his days
grandly spent
no witty comebacks
she could afford that day

She listened with a heart
pierced and burnt,
tears rolled down
her big fat cheeks

Shocked at his doings
regret is expressed
with tears in his heart
for the girl he loved

Trivial events
though he claimed
she was in pain
for the betrayal she felt

A matter so small
she later figured out
awareness was the key
for the pain to subside

A promise never uttered
but made nonetheless
broken, yet it stands
of this confusing lad

Guilt

A destination desired
for both in the run
one trying to unsee,
the other one's role

Unknowingly or not
destination was reached
right on the dot
for the other, just heaved


The guilt runs deep
cowering under her shield
she loses her sleep
trying to live her dream

I'm sorry but not
this confusing bond
dejected yet elated
in her pinnacle of life

Change

Time is needed
And so is effort
Cannot be undone
for a long time

Forcefully, you may attain
but never for too long
The change of a being,
needs the owner's consent!

Confession

The fluttering heart
the unfocused gaze
towards his heart
I walked the path

With worst in mind
and nervous at his sight
I babbled on for a while
till I saw him smile

The feared need
he wanted indeed
time to comprehend
his inner feels

Wishes were granted
though never required
he came back to admit
that his heart was mine!

Elated and overjoyed
I finally realised
that I am truly and madly
in love with this blissful being!

Just..

For the guy who is wracking up his brain in search of his feelings, I hope that you find them and get back to me within the time span given.

Let's end this indicisiveness and move on to a new phase.

But I hope you think only of yourself and come at a decision. Good luck finding yourself!

The video below gives what I wish to say right now to you, but cannot. Hope you get it..

Him

Innocent and immature
hoping for his love
broken and lost
in a world of her own

Wishful thinking
every night and day
losing credibility
in the dreams of day

A princess in his eyes
guarding her innocence
he walks in her dreams
the perfect man.

Stupid

Playing without knowing
how stupid of me
acting without a script
how stupid of me

Head up in the sky
how stupid of me 
soul within walls
how stupid of me
Masking in invincibility
only to my eyes


Naked and laughable
in front of his eyes
not wanting to bow down
the heavy head of mine

Waliya

Violence was never my thing and I used to back away from any situation that contained it or tried my best to make peace amongst the parties involved.
However, yesterday at uni I had front row seats to a waliya that made me witness some bone chilling real action for the first time of my 23 plus years of existence.

There had been a few waliya here and there in uni but I was never there to witness them and only heard the stories and the rumours that supported them.

The event yesterday happened right before my eyes and I had no way of backing away from the scene. I had my eyes glued on the scene that is unfolding like a child to a cartoon airing on tv. But deep inside it scared the shit out of me seeing how my friends let their inner beasts out and fought amongst themselves.

The idea of how the people who used to laugh together for some lame jokes, make fun of each other and have fun together, are able to beat each other with iron rods is still inconceivable to me.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into a situation which doesn't need to be thought much of. But, this is me being effing sentimental and protective over my friends who made me feel protected in ways unknown to them.

When one party in the fight had a few words to share about me, my friends and all near me came up to me to stand in a protective stance making my insides explode with pride towards them and curl up with fear for them at the same time. However, the situation didn't end up in a mess and my friends were left unharmed. 

But I cannot say the same about the entire event yesterday.

The blood lust I saw in their eyes, the strength with which they fought amongst themselves and the anger they directed towards their frenemies were the only things I seemed to have noticed yesterday. And I felt like we are not the better species. Even with a working brain on top of our heads we still end up paying homage to our original beastly selves when the situation slightly changes.