Argument

Darkness and then you only see red. Your mind explodes and all the scenarios that build up in your head are visualizing an end of another. Would this make me a murderer? The inner voice chants amidst chaos.

Knifelike words are thrown at each other, stone like fists come flying towards your face from a being who literally screamed in joyful agony at your birth. 

Hot salted water pours out of your vision blurring your sanity. In this cruel world you are on your own. The message is delivered. All the happy memories get erased and you are a being of hatred. You have consumed that poison which has no antidote. 

Shock, disappointment, rage and sadness are evident in their faces. You on the other hand is consumed by rage and displays only rage and long festered hatred, the kind that has a murderous glare. 

Looking around you cannot find your precious comforter but you see your future hanging in your arms screaming. You are taken aback. Oh what a future it’s gonna be. Hopefully not the same hateful one you had! 

Her

It's exactly one year since the last post. (technically one year and three days, but who's counting?) Finally found some time to sit down and give that past year a recap. Well here goes.. (This post may have lots of gory details)

The past year was not much less of a roller coaster ride. Exactly one week prior to that last post, I saw the most exciting and the scariest line I've ever seen on a stick. (It was actually two lines) I was freaking pregnant!! Everyone who knew was excited for the upcoming bundle of joy and mischief. It was actually double the excitement for our family as my sister was also four months pregnant when I found out.

The excitement wore off and morning sickness took its place. I was such a loser at that, that I wasn't able to keep any food down for at least three months. This led me to lose 9kg by the fourth month in the pregnancy. Skinny me with a baby inside was poked around so many times to give IV fluids to keep my body functioning. Everyone who has given birth was constantly giving their two cents about what and what not to do during this period. None of it worked. My rate of throwing up was gradually coming down by the fourth month, but it got stagnated at one or two times a day by the fifth month. So through out the rest of my pregnancy I was throwing up at least once a day.

However, during that dark period in my pregnancy I was able to do one thing that I was basically itching to do ever since day one. I finally gave up on my work life. This decision was received with so many negative remarks from almost everyone. My parents were mad for days and my in-laws still believe that their son has enforced this decision upon me. In truth, it was me all along. He just supported my decision after me constantly nagging at him.

It was mainly due to my laziness to drag myself to work every day. Knowing myself, I knew I would not be able to function if I was raising a kid and simultaneously working at that cut throat environment where you have to deliver constantly. So for better or for worse I said, I quit. It felt good saying it. Who am I kidding, it still feels wonderful saying it.

While dealing with all that criticism for my decision, October came and my delivery date came. And no sign of a baby coming out was given. Next day we got admitted as I was basically tired of waiting. Got induced, hoping that she will start things on her own with a slight push, but no, she had our genes and she didn't give a f***. So the next day I got a cesarean surgery to get the baby out.

In that operation theater even with my husband beside me I was practically pissing my pants. The time the doc said hug the pillow and bend for the epidural shot I was literally chanting ithipiso bagawa. Sometime after the shot and cutting my belly open I heard the most wonderful noise I've ever heard. I heard my baby girl crying as she was taken out of her comfort zone. That moment was so emotional and it had me gasping for air with tears in my eyes. I believe it was then, at that moment that it dawned on me that I was now a mother to a child. A tiny human has come to the world who's gonna rely on me for almost everything in her life, that I will be the rock to another human being.

Four months down with her, it's still unbelievable that she's our daughter. The world is one fascinating place for her that she's constantly staring at everything she sees and smiling at me the moment our eyes meet.

Marriage and what not

2019 has dawned and already one and a half months have gone by. It's been ages since I was able to pen my thoughts and on my fourth Valentine's Day with him, I thought why not. 

Time has literally flown by. I am actually nearing my thirties and uni seems like it happened in another lifetime. 

The previous year, the subject of most of my posts, my partner in crime and my inspiration in many a things became my life partner legally. Well congratulations for him for making that wise decision. 

I am a complete marriage novice, but I still have some experience on this life. 

It is not at all what you thought it would be. This is the very first lesson I learnt.

With that one signature you place you are now legally responsible for another person. This can be very tricky since all through out your existence every little decision you make was literally made with the aid of your parents. And suddenly, you are on your own (but technically with him). 

You are also awarded with a whole new bunch of gossiping relatives who wants to know when you are going to have your first baby at the very first time you meet them. Just imagine some middle aged women draped in rich sarees and wearing all the gold they have, coming up to you at your own wedding function to say 'Congratulations putha, now when are you going to give us cute babies?'  Yes. Dumbfounded and open mouthed. That was how I looked most of the time during our wedding reception.

Living with the in laws can be a challenge too. Imagine, you are one pampered, precious daughter of one house hold who is cherished dearly and suddenly, you are the daughter-in-law of another completely new household. Every household has different traditions or ways of life and it takes time in getting used to them. Unlike when you are at home, you are always under the watchful eyes of someone of their house. You always have to double think every move you make. But of course they do not mean ill and they are not rude, they are also just being wary of the new member in the house. And actually with time you start getting cozy with your in-laws too. Life is not always bitter grapes, you see. 

Marriage is basically a whole lot of changes to your normal, routine, peaceful life. You get to see how your partner actually lives, the real side of him, and mind you that is quite far from the side you meet on a date before marriage. Yet, you gradually open up to him on things you never thought you would and so does he. 

Even with all of that what matters the most is that your bond grows stronger and your heart feels warmer at the end of the day and you still keep on loving him since he's still that prince you desired. 

And Five months since our signature placements, with many ups and downs, we are still continuing this journey with hopes for a future together in every blessing and every sorrow.  

Uni

We were in our early twenties. Merely one year and a half after sitting for the A/L examinations our batch commenced. We came with hopes and expectations of our parents and of course our very existent relations. 

In our parent's eyes we were both the pride and the boasting factor. In our lecturers' eyes we were the best of the best lot selected from the A/L examination in order to achieve greatness. But we actually were just confused at the sudden change of events and still were trying to find a chance to have fun and enjoy. 

We were adults by age but children at heart. We still needed a mother's nagging to wake up in the morning or a father's stern look to go hide in the room to pretend to study.

However, fortunately or unfortunately for us, our parents were quite pleased with us that their intervention in our affairs unexpectedly reduced. The restrictions we had during school days were lifted. We were presumed to be grown up.

With this new found freedom we were overwhelmed. Some of us were sent to boarding houses from their homes. A phase they never thought that they could achieve.

Our group was a mix of everyone. The extremely bright lot who never missed a lecture, the naturally brainy ones who misses all lectures but manages to give kuppi to the lecture-goers, and lastly the never go to a lecture but goes to kuppis to find the minimum required marks to pass lot. And of course, I belonged to the latter lot. 

Exams were like the monster comes calling times for us. However, that happened only twice a year. So we were not stressed about that till the monster himself comes and knocks on our doors. We never considered mid semester exams as exams as that was such a waste of valuable time.

During exams it is always the aid of the great photocopy machine. If not for that, us lot wouldn't have graduated at all. 

Lectures or not we always went to uni. My attendance was close to 99% in uni after leaving the sick days of which I was forced to stay at home. Even in sickness we were always found in uni but never in a lecture. 

We had huts designed for us in order to study while enjoying  the cool breeze that envelops the uni. 

These huts were actually used for just hanging around by groups and of course by the immense number of couples in uni for their lovey-dovey talks. It should be noted that during exam days not a single hut can be found due to everyone cramming on their lecture notes.

The first job we do when entering uni is finding a suitable hut for the day because unless you would be just roaming around with no proper place to eat and hang around. The food is either brought from home or bought from outside. And all of us share each bath packet. It is like world war three on the bath packet for the chicken piece and the egg. 

My bokka friend used to bring a huge packet when he was coming from home. He was residing in a boarding house and every weekend he went home. Thus, on Mondays he comes to uni at around 10 - 11 o'clock with a huge bath packet. This weighed almost 1 - 2 kg. When this packet arrives its always lunch time for us. We would call everyone around to join because his mother's cooking is beyond any maestro's cooking for us. Its mouth watering for me just by thinking about it. 

Uni days were everything one could hope for. I was determined to write about every mischievous thing we did, every funny story we shared and all the hilarious incidents that occurred but that would probably come as another post as there are quite a lot to write about.

A day not too long ago, when we met at uni, my bokka friend said machang apita sadudatath aith campus enna thibuna nam (what if we are able to come to campus on Monday again). The words were met by heavy sighs and longing from all of us.

We were young and still growing up. We were carefree and loved every day. We found freedom, we found life long friendships, we found life partners, and we found some parts of ourselves we never knew existed. Uni life gradually molded our values, lifestyles and perceptions in order to become better humans for ourselves and others.

The three years I spent in uni are by far the most memorable years of my life. These memories are what drives me even to this day. They are the strength that keeps us from falling apart when we are faced with responsibilities and when trouble comes calling. 

A Wish

A wish upon a star

Too close to be far

Refused as bizarre

Leaving a goodly scar

Her benign desire

not what he require

robbed of her by kin

Cast away by him

One may need it 

other may not

one may believe in it

other may not

The greatest love of all

conquers them all

with a need to forgo

the endless brawls

He claims he concedes

to all her insane deals 

to which she remains

wordless and lost

but what can one say

when 

a girl starts to dream

the stars will be too close

for her to reach

Hurt

He spoke of his days
grandly spent
no witty comebacks
she could afford that day

She listened with a heart
pierced and burnt,
tears rolled down
her big fat cheeks

Shocked at his doings
regret is expressed
with tears in his heart
for the girl he loved

Trivial events
though he claimed
she was in pain
for the betrayal she felt

A matter so small
she later figured out
awareness was the key
for the pain to subside

A promise never uttered
but made nonetheless
broken, yet it stands
of this confusing lad

Friends and rifts

Friends mocking each other is ordinary. But mocking a person for their fears in my view is inhumane. Fears are formed with the experiences one faces in the progression of life. Thus, one cannot be the judge of another's fear without having experiencing the same events with the same impact.

I was in utter despair after witnessing an event that provoked one of my largest fears which lead to the mockery of it. A feeling of being naked in front of a crowd was engulfing me. The friendly sounds of laughter that I used to love and found comfort in was terrifying me. The incident was shocking yet the mocking that continued was somewhat horrifying.
The abandoned shell was calling out to me. But the person I wanted to find comfort in was not. That fact alone broke down the carefully constructed layers of walls. I ended up yelling at him for not shielding me from the knife-like words, as he was supposed to. The explosion was not foreseen. Complete silence followed. I left the place soon after, feeling embarrassed and defeated.

The offender and I made up after a slight exchange of words and a mutual understanding.
But him, the friend, had misunderstood the situation. The yelling that was meant for another had ended up hurting him. He had found his own shell, after misinterpreting the situation.

The cheerful and carefree atmosphere in the gang has dropped down to a peaceful yet heart wrenching silence. The loudest and the craziest of the gang, the main role of today's story was stuck in a corner reading a book with extreme interest. I, on the other hand was trying hard to be invisible and praying that no one would have the courage to come up and ask me 'what is going on'. Surprisingly or not, everyone carried on their own conversations as if to ensure us that we still have hope towards a reunion.

That was a few days after the event that pulled us apart.

It's almost a month since then and the gang is in normal gear simply without us having a conversation. The rift between us had knowingly or unknowingly drifted us apart with the passing of time.

This fact hurts me deep down. He is one of the very few people who I had in my inner circle. A friend I'm grateful to in many occasions. A friend I was proud to have.

It pains me to be the reason behind this new rift that seems to be taking longer than usual to settle. But pride and negligence have joined hands in pushing back the day in talking things out.

From another person's view, the issue seems to be so trivial to be giving silent treatment to each other. But for us, the matter is too unreal and huge that it drives us towards our own personal shells.

Time heals. That's what I relied on for the past month but no such healing was visible. The more sensitive the matter is, I back down and wait for another's entry into solving it rather than my own. But this seems to not work since the friend is also waiting. All what is left is for me to take the matter into my hands and to make the first move. Hope the first move doesn't make it worse.

Guilt

A destination desired
for both in the run
one trying to unsee,
the other one's role

Unknowingly or not
destination was reached
right on the dot
for the other, just heaved


The guilt runs deep
cowering under her shield
she loses her sleep
trying to live her dream

I'm sorry but not
this confusing bond
dejected yet elated
in her pinnacle of life

Confession

The fluttering heart
the unfocused gaze
towards his heart
I walked the path

With worst in mind
and nervous at his sight
I babbled on for a while
till I saw him smile

The feared need
he wanted indeed
time to comprehend
his inner feels

Wishes were granted
though never required
he came back to admit
that his heart was mine!

Elated and overjoyed
I finally realised
that I am truly and madly
in love with this blissful being!

Just..

For the guy who is wracking up his brain in search of his feelings, I hope that you find them and get back to me within the time span given.

Let's end this indicisiveness and move on to a new phase.

But I hope you think only of yourself and come at a decision. Good luck finding yourself!

The video below gives what I wish to say right now to you, but cannot. Hope you get it..

First meeting

Being granted a bottuwa to uni, I was undoubtedly the awkward, new girl in the crowd until my bestie came along to play the role of the middle man. Thanks to her I wasn't having my usual new place, new difficulties disease till very late.

It was the first lecture with a group activity. And I hated the idea of group activities with a passion because I'm very socially awkward. However, this group that I was in consisted of about 15 to 20 people, some who looked fairly familiar to me, some friends from school and my bestie. Thus, my awkwardness was given the back seat.

It was then, that I saw him first. With a perfectly sculpted face, extremely thick eyebrows, a chiseled jawline, a sharp nose and a gaze that can see right through your soul, he was sitting at the center of the group in a maroon and blue t shirt that emphasized his facial features. He was the man of any girl's dreams.

I was giggling intensely at anything and everything, craving for his attention. But so were all the girls in the group. And yes, the attention was given, but not to me, but to a friend of mine who oozes beauty and innocence. The attention didn't last long, but it lasted enough to get all of us excited.

He was pretty much aware of the effect he had on all of us, as were the case with many insanely handsome people.

He had so many ideas to offer regarding the activity, and apparently became the main speaker while the others just fooled around.

I lost interest in the activity and started digging up information on this insanely gorgeous dude with the rest of the girls. He was apparently attending the same private uni that I was attending at that time, which lead only one word to appear in bold in my head, 'destiny'!

I was asked a question regarding the activity out of the blue and the entire group fell silent. And that was my cue to act as awkward as I can physically manage. The question forgotten, I only saw his eyes on me. I was blushing a shade of pink that I never knew I can achieve. A few minutes into my awkwardness he answered for me. I felt like the ground beneath was slipping away from the amount of embarrassment I faced.

And that was my first meeting with the first man I've ever come to love.

Career path and what not

My sister, the idiot as I like to call her is just at that point in her life where she has to chose her career path. And she's at a loss. (And I'm kinda glad that we do have something in common.)

I was at a loss myself sometime back and tried to reject every option that came my way solely for the fear of failing and the fear of being responsible for that failure. But after a few words with my parents and several levels of getting hurt, I decided on a praivate uni and peacefully (maybe not) attended it for a while. Then came local uni into the picture and the problem at hand was solved and the private uni was discarded like it never ever mattered.

So, I have something to stick to for the time being and not wander around. But, after a year or two I will also be at the same spot my sister is currently at, looking for the perfect career path.

Usually the path is the same for most of the kids till their O/Ls. Then it curves and splits into different paths. In my case it was the same till the completion of A/Ls. The stream chosen to sit for the exam did not require much thoughts as the parents and society approved path with many friends was easy to chose. But after the A/Ls comes the real deal. You are out of school and you are a society accepted adult. Thus, your parents suddenly leave you with making the decisions and you feel all the fears in the world. And you try to pass time and not make that dreadful decision because you are not familiar by the whole act of it.

It was the case for most of my friends as well.


The moment that you are made responsible for youself, you try to flee because of the burden and the fear of failure. This in my opinion is mainly because of the fact that most of our decisions, even the smallest of them were made for us without our knowledge. We were accustomed to the habit of asking for permission and getting the nod of approval in the actions we were to make. Thus, the moment the roles switch we feel like we are at a dead end even with so many paths in front of us.

Him

Innocent and immature
hoping for his love
broken and lost
in a world of her own

Wishful thinking
every night and day
losing credibility
in the dreams of day

A princess in his eyes
guarding her innocence
he walks in her dreams
the perfect man.

Stupid

Playing without knowing
how stupid of me
acting without a script
how stupid of me

Head up in the sky
how stupid of me 
soul within walls
how stupid of me
Masking in invincibility
only to my eyes


Naked and laughable
in front of his eyes
not wanting to bow down
the heavy head of mine

For my brother from anther mother

I'm not that much of a writer but I do have my own stack of papers with poems and stories that I've written out of boredom, hidden somewhere in my room. The last time I held a pen must have been about three years ago and since then, I've not come across the urge to put my thoughts into paper. But since this very close friend of mine (kira) insisted that I should start on it again..
Here goes nothing..



Unlocking

The door once closed
Never to be opened
gets unlocked and opened
at her confidant's words

The rush feels new
She feels odd
but she continues on
for the sake of him

The feel of the pen
on a paper
The sound of the pen
on a paper
brings back pride
she once lost!

20th Birthday!

On the eve of my 20^th birthday, I take this very very deep breath, become very serious with that very serious frown I put on when confronted with difficult situations; and think, what the hell have I done for 20 years of my life? (Of course I didn’t do that. I was talking hypothetically.) I was at a blank. Not very unusual for me, though. Then I think back, waaay back...

How beautiful childhood was! Playing with sis and quarrelling at the smallest of things, which we still very proudly do. Doing everything you wanted and not worrying over it. Phew! Wish I enjoyed those days more. Wish time never travelled.

Anyways, since my parents were cousins before marriage I’m only blessed with two cousins close to my age and I happen to be the eldest in the lot. So, the occasional visit from them always called for celebration. After all, you get tired of playing with the same person after a while ne. There were some other playmates as well, the kids of some family friends and some very very distant cousins. When we get-together it was fun and always playtime. So, basically my childhood was spent playing and doing nothing else than that.

As a young adult I wasn’t that very impressive. Always in the mid 20s in the class of about 40 students. Always a reason, why a teacher would come screaming into the class. Forever carefree!

When everyone else was studying vigorously for the O/Ls I was busy watching movies on the internet and reading books at the dead of night while pretending to be studying (which I’m doing right now as well). The result however was not so great but okay-ish.

Those days I started doing stuff. Meaning, I started swimming, tennis, some IT courses, music and so on. But whatever thing that I started, I stopped them mid-way, gave up and went back to square. I’m not so proud of those actions, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. If I’ve lost interest in something I just can’t tolerate it anymore. Hah! It was bloody easy to just type it than say that in front of a group of people who will be moaning over my irresponsibility.

But that attitude of mine was overpowered by A/Ls coz I just have to do this no matter what I felt about it. Right now, I’m in the midst of writing for my second shy coz I flunked it the first time. I also have a paper on Monday which I’m not so sure I’ll pass. If I’m on the way for a third shy I’ll definitely update my blog.

In conclusion, looking back at life of 20 years was colorful in its own way. The little incidents which bring a smile to the lips are the most treasured memories of years gone by. I’ve had my share of joy and sorrow. Looking back, it seems everything was nice and neat but I wish I can say the same about the future. On the eve of my 20^th birthday, I wish to have a decent future, which someday I can look back and smile.