Argument

Darkness and then you only see red. Your mind explodes and all the scenarios that build up in your head are visualizing an end of another. Would this make me a murderer? The inner voice chants amidst chaos.

Knifelike words are thrown at each other, stone like fists come flying towards your face from a being who literally screamed in joyful agony at your birth. 

Hot salted water pours out of your vision blurring your sanity. In this cruel world you are on your own. The message is delivered. All the happy memories get erased and you are a being of hatred. You have consumed that poison which has no antidote. 

Shock, disappointment, rage and sadness are evident in their faces. You on the other hand is consumed by rage and displays only rage and long festered hatred, the kind that has a murderous glare. 

Looking around you cannot find your precious comforter but you see your future hanging in your arms screaming. You are taken aback. Oh what a future it’s gonna be. Hopefully not the same hateful one you had! 

Hate

How can you hate someone who has done so much for you? This is a question without an answer to me which actually keeps me awake at night. This someone is a special person, a person that has been with me since  day 1 or maybe even before that. My father. 

Here is the tricky part. He hasn’t done much to me or for me or anyone else for that matter. But, that one thing he does he tells on it for days or years, in front of whomever just to get the best dad badge that only he can see. 

In my eyes, he’s a hypocrite with a big mouth and a small mind. In his eyes, he’s the best dad, best husband and best son who has sacrificed a lot and achieved a lot. In truth, he’s not any of that. Whatever he has sacrificed he has made it while whining like a baby giving up candy. Whatever he has achieved are mostly out of luck or convenience. 

I may not be the best daughter but I cannot unsee how much of a self serving, egoistical hypocrite he really is. 

Issue of the matter is he thinks and believes that his wife is there to serve him like a slave. And I cannot just stand by but speak up on the matter while living under his roof. He believes that speaking up is disrespect towards this great living being aka himself. 

Her

It's exactly one year since the last post. (technically one year and three days, but who's counting?) Finally found some time to sit down and give that past year a recap. Well here goes.. (This post may have lots of gory details)

The past year was not much less of a roller coaster ride. Exactly one week prior to that last post, I saw the most exciting and the scariest line I've ever seen on a stick. (It was actually two lines) I was freaking pregnant!! Everyone who knew was excited for the upcoming bundle of joy and mischief. It was actually double the excitement for our family as my sister was also four months pregnant when I found out.

The excitement wore off and morning sickness took its place. I was such a loser at that, that I wasn't able to keep any food down for at least three months. This led me to lose 9kg by the fourth month in the pregnancy. Skinny me with a baby inside was poked around so many times to give IV fluids to keep my body functioning. Everyone who has given birth was constantly giving their two cents about what and what not to do during this period. None of it worked. My rate of throwing up was gradually coming down by the fourth month, but it got stagnated at one or two times a day by the fifth month. So through out the rest of my pregnancy I was throwing up at least once a day.

However, during that dark period in my pregnancy I was able to do one thing that I was basically itching to do ever since day one. I finally gave up on my work life. This decision was received with so many negative remarks from almost everyone. My parents were mad for days and my in-laws still believe that their son has enforced this decision upon me. In truth, it was me all along. He just supported my decision after me constantly nagging at him.

It was mainly due to my laziness to drag myself to work every day. Knowing myself, I knew I would not be able to function if I was raising a kid and simultaneously working at that cut throat environment where you have to deliver constantly. So for better or for worse I said, I quit. It felt good saying it. Who am I kidding, it still feels wonderful saying it.

While dealing with all that criticism for my decision, October came and my delivery date came. And no sign of a baby coming out was given. Next day we got admitted as I was basically tired of waiting. Got induced, hoping that she will start things on her own with a slight push, but no, she had our genes and she didn't give a f***. So the next day I got a cesarean surgery to get the baby out.

In that operation theater even with my husband beside me I was practically pissing my pants. The time the doc said hug the pillow and bend for the epidural shot I was literally chanting ithipiso bagawa. Sometime after the shot and cutting my belly open I heard the most wonderful noise I've ever heard. I heard my baby girl crying as she was taken out of her comfort zone. That moment was so emotional and it had me gasping for air with tears in my eyes. I believe it was then, at that moment that it dawned on me that I was now a mother to a child. A tiny human has come to the world who's gonna rely on me for almost everything in her life, that I will be the rock to another human being.

Four months down with her, it's still unbelievable that she's our daughter. The world is one fascinating place for her that she's constantly staring at everything she sees and smiling at me the moment our eyes meet.

Marriage and what not

2019 has dawned and already one and a half months have gone by. It's been ages since I was able to pen my thoughts and on my fourth Valentine's Day with him, I thought why not. 

Time has literally flown by. I am actually nearing my thirties and uni seems like it happened in another lifetime. 

The previous year, the subject of most of my posts, my partner in crime and my inspiration in many a things became my life partner legally. Well congratulations for him for making that wise decision. 

I am a complete marriage novice, but I still have some experience on this life. 

It is not at all what you thought it would be. This is the very first lesson I learnt.

With that one signature you place you are now legally responsible for another person. This can be very tricky since all through out your existence every little decision you make was literally made with the aid of your parents. And suddenly, you are on your own (but technically with him). 

You are also awarded with a whole new bunch of gossiping relatives who wants to know when you are going to have your first baby at the very first time you meet them. Just imagine some middle aged women draped in rich sarees and wearing all the gold they have, coming up to you at your own wedding function to say 'Congratulations putha, now when are you going to give us cute babies?'  Yes. Dumbfounded and open mouthed. That was how I looked most of the time during our wedding reception.

Living with the in laws can be a challenge too. Imagine, you are one pampered, precious daughter of one house hold who is cherished dearly and suddenly, you are the daughter-in-law of another completely new household. Every household has different traditions or ways of life and it takes time in getting used to them. Unlike when you are at home, you are always under the watchful eyes of someone of their house. You always have to double think every move you make. But of course they do not mean ill and they are not rude, they are also just being wary of the new member in the house. And actually with time you start getting cozy with your in-laws too. Life is not always bitter grapes, you see. 

Marriage is basically a whole lot of changes to your normal, routine, peaceful life. You get to see how your partner actually lives, the real side of him, and mind you that is quite far from the side you meet on a date before marriage. Yet, you gradually open up to him on things you never thought you would and so does he. 

Even with all of that what matters the most is that your bond grows stronger and your heart feels warmer at the end of the day and you still keep on loving him since he's still that prince you desired. 

And Five months since our signature placements, with many ups and downs, we are still continuing this journey with hopes for a future together in every blessing and every sorrow.  

Uni

We were in our early twenties. Merely one year and a half after sitting for the A/L examinations our batch commenced. We came with hopes and expectations of our parents and of course our very existent relations. 

In our parent's eyes we were both the pride and the boasting factor. In our lecturers' eyes we were the best of the best lot selected from the A/L examination in order to achieve greatness. But we actually were just confused at the sudden change of events and still were trying to find a chance to have fun and enjoy. 

We were adults by age but children at heart. We still needed a mother's nagging to wake up in the morning or a father's stern look to go hide in the room to pretend to study.

However, fortunately or unfortunately for us, our parents were quite pleased with us that their intervention in our affairs unexpectedly reduced. The restrictions we had during school days were lifted. We were presumed to be grown up.

With this new found freedom we were overwhelmed. Some of us were sent to boarding houses from their homes. A phase they never thought that they could achieve.

Our group was a mix of everyone. The extremely bright lot who never missed a lecture, the naturally brainy ones who misses all lectures but manages to give kuppi to the lecture-goers, and lastly the never go to a lecture but goes to kuppis to find the minimum required marks to pass lot. And of course, I belonged to the latter lot. 

Exams were like the monster comes calling times for us. However, that happened only twice a year. So we were not stressed about that till the monster himself comes and knocks on our doors. We never considered mid semester exams as exams as that was such a waste of valuable time.

During exams it is always the aid of the great photocopy machine. If not for that, us lot wouldn't have graduated at all. 

Lectures or not we always went to uni. My attendance was close to 99% in uni after leaving the sick days of which I was forced to stay at home. Even in sickness we were always found in uni but never in a lecture. 

We had huts designed for us in order to study while enjoying  the cool breeze that envelops the uni. 

These huts were actually used for just hanging around by groups and of course by the immense number of couples in uni for their lovey-dovey talks. It should be noted that during exam days not a single hut can be found due to everyone cramming on their lecture notes.

The first job we do when entering uni is finding a suitable hut for the day because unless you would be just roaming around with no proper place to eat and hang around. The food is either brought from home or bought from outside. And all of us share each bath packet. It is like world war three on the bath packet for the chicken piece and the egg. 

My bokka friend used to bring a huge packet when he was coming from home. He was residing in a boarding house and every weekend he went home. Thus, on Mondays he comes to uni at around 10 - 11 o'clock with a huge bath packet. This weighed almost 1 - 2 kg. When this packet arrives its always lunch time for us. We would call everyone around to join because his mother's cooking is beyond any maestro's cooking for us. Its mouth watering for me just by thinking about it. 

Uni days were everything one could hope for. I was determined to write about every mischievous thing we did, every funny story we shared and all the hilarious incidents that occurred but that would probably come as another post as there are quite a lot to write about.

A day not too long ago, when we met at uni, my bokka friend said machang apita sadudatath aith campus enna thibuna nam (what if we are able to come to campus on Monday again). The words were met by heavy sighs and longing from all of us.

We were young and still growing up. We were carefree and loved every day. We found freedom, we found life long friendships, we found life partners, and we found some parts of ourselves we never knew existed. Uni life gradually molded our values, lifestyles and perceptions in order to become better humans for ourselves and others.

The three years I spent in uni are by far the most memorable years of my life. These memories are what drives me even to this day. They are the strength that keeps us from falling apart when we are faced with responsibilities and when trouble comes calling.